wake me up when September ends… or living in a night terror

When I was little mom tells me I used to have night terrors which are nightmares on steroids the are almost impossible to wake up from.  Apparently I used to scream bloody murder in my sleep and mom was powerless to wake me up.I’m pretty certain I am living through one as we speak.  I’m scared.  I’m suffering from a case of emotional overload or something and I don’t like it because it has the effect of making me very short tempered with most people at very unpredictable times  I have to force myself to make an effort not to let myself becomes someone I would absolutely hate.  I have started counting the days until the first of October.  Somehow I have convinced myself that if I can make it to the first everything will be okay and I will finally wake up from this horrible situation.  It feels something like hanging on a rock face without safety gear and trying to climb it with only the voices of a few very good but nonetheless very far away friends, whose helping hands though more than willing can barely brush my fingertips.  Still it is better than nothing and greatly appreciated.  Those voices and the constant encouragement they provide is the only thing keeping me sane these past few weeks.I feel as though I have been blindfolded with my hands tied behind me.  the only time I ever feel like myself anymore is while talking to them.  October is just around the corner and then I will wake up, at least I hope so.

lament for a Rainbow

rainbowI am a bookworm, unabashed and unrepentant, this is due in large part to a public television program called Reading Rainbow, hostel by Levar Burton.  Not only did the show introduce children to wonderful books, watching the show you learned stuff that you might never have thought of before. I learned how a hot air balloon was constructed from watching the program.  The book they read on that particular show was about a cat who was unintentionally stranded in a hot air balloon when the ropes keeping it tied down broke.  After the story was done the show went to a hot air balloon race and it was there that the construction was explained.  When the book was about a circus they spoke to a professional clown who worked for Barnum and Bailey Ringling Brothers and Levar got to go to clown school.  That’s the first time I remember hearing the names Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and Emmett Kelly.  Years later, when I was watching a DVD of the Carol Burnett show with my grandmother and Emmett Kelly made a surprise appearance I was in jest as much awe as everyone in the original audience had been.  Emmett Kelly was arguably the most famous professional clown in the history of the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus.  I doubt I would have ever known that  were it not for Reading Rainbow.  It’s 26 year run ended last month, and I am sad. Books are truly the gold at the end of the rainbow, and I can only hope that those of us lucky enough to have had that Rainbow to follow can make make some of our own, so that our children can find that precious treasure for themselves. Even though I doubt he will find this blog I’ll say it anyway, ”   thank you Mr.  Burton for helping me become the person I am today.”

War and Peace: a blog with no relation to the book of the same name

basic_5wandsThis is what happens when I have a whole lot of time on my hands and very little to do with it, I think too much.  When I was little I remember watching what some people are now calling the First Gulf War on TV. Because my mom was enlisted in the military at the time war was not something that only touched faraway unknown people whose life had no direct effect on mine, these were people who had helped us move, in whose yards I had eaten supper and played Scrabble.  It has been 15 years since Mom left the Army and now even though I have lost contact with the children I used to play with it would not surprise me in in the least to discover that at least a few of them now found themselves in the same desert that hopefully their parent was fortunate enough to get of mostly unscathed. I don’t think it is actually the same desert but at the very least it has similar geography.  I can’t shake the feeling that this is a case of children fighting the war of the parents even though both wars were started for different reasons and I’m one of the first to say that we definitely should have done something.  I saw the twin towers about six months before they fell.  Having been raised on a military base I also don’t believe in leaving a job before it’s finished but when is it finished? Vietnam went on long enough to see children born slightly before it began old enough to fight in the very end.  There are sons whose fathers have retired to find themselves stationed in the same places their fathers were under much the same conditions.  There are parents serving in this Gulf War at the same time as their now adult children who originally fought in the first one.  Will my generation’s grandchildren still be fighting?  I hope not.  An eye for an eye has its place but what’s to be done when we are all blind?