As aforementioned in a previous post I now have fairly large pieces of metal in my body for the rest of my life. I have become the bionic woman, or so my family says. I started thinking, I am halfway to 30, more than old enough to be considered a woman. That being said I don’t feel much like one most of the time.Most of the women my age have more to show for their lives than me. I feel stuck in some kind of horrible nightmare that I can’t escape.Every time I think that maybe my life might finally be going in a direction I could be happy with something happens and my carefully constructed sugar spun dream that I managed to build in spite of my pessimistic self disappears as though it never was. I used to think that everything would turn out the way that they are supposed to. The longer I live the more I think I was wrong. At best the universe or God call it whatever you wish has nothing at all to do with us and everything we go through is totally random and there is no logical reason for the stuff I’ve had to put up with, or He/She/It/They enjoys seeing me on an emotional roller coaster. I’m not sure which I’d rather be true. If God does exist there are only five things in this world that give me the smallest bit of hope that I am not despised.
My theological tangent is done I promise. My point is that because of my numerous setbacks to living on my own I have a hard time seeing myself as an adult sometimes. I had to reschedule an appointment today and I almost handed the phone to mom on reflex when the receptionist called. I don’t know how I feel. I’m caught in a cats cradle of contradictions every thread is someone’s expectation of me, very few of which I think I’m going to be able to live up to.
So, girl or woman? I have called myself both but I am honestly not sure which I consider myself. Perhaps beauty is not the only thing that is in the eye of the beholder.