In a little less than three weeks I will be moving out of state to live with both my boyfriend and my girlfriend who moved in with him from Colorado a few weeks ago. Most of my immediate family are supportive of my decision or at least have the good sense to realize that their dissenting opinion won’t change change my mind and therefore keep their mouths shut. The only person in my family who is being deliberately kept in the dark at this point is my grandmother who is over 70 years old and most definitely would disapprove. She is not being kept in the dark because I fear her disapproval but because she is involved in some of my legal affairs and until I can get those changed I am better off letting her believe what she wants to, which is that I am engaged to my boyfriend and we will eventually marry. In reality though I’m not sure if we will ever be legally recognized as committed to each other largely because the commitments of more than two adults to one another are not legally recognized in the United States yet. To be honest I have rustled with my feelings on the subject quite a bit. I love them both for different reasons because they are different people but with the same level of intended commitment and it isn’t fair that because of how long is commonly written I would have to choose one over the other . That being said I find myself arguing with myself lately. Largely because of my disability very few aspects if my life have been within spitting distance of normal and a ceremony is one of the few “normal” things I’ve ever wanted id only to be able to thumb my nose at the people who said or thought my disability precluded me from committed romance.
I feel as though I have been running cross country for most of my life, at least mentally. Earlier in life it felt as though I were always running away from something, trying to put distance between myself and my disability, other people’s expectations of me or sometimes lack of expectation and a laundry list of other things. If someone drew a picture of my mental self at that point I would probably have all kinds of small cuts on my face and arms the needs of my jeans would be worn through and money shoes would probably look as if they might fall apart at any second. That’s definitely how I perceived myself anyway. At some point it changed though, instead of running away, trying to outdistance something I began to get the feeling that I was running toward something though if you asked who or what I was chasing I couldn’t give you much of an answer. At the age of 12 or 13 a man I couldn’t place as anyone I knew or had heard of at the time began showing up in my mind both while I was asleep and awake. Since I had begun writing at that time (mostly historical romances that I wouldn’t pay Harlequin to publish if they asked now) I assumed for years that he was a character I simply had not found a story for which still isn’t uncommon for me today. When I was a sophomore in high school I had to write a short story for class and since he was still in my head on a regular basis it seems natural that the lead male character would look like him. Fast forward to present day I am still working on that short story although it isn’t so short anymore. After I completed the assignment my English teacher strongly suggested that I expand it to a full length book. My graduating class has its 10 year reunion this year and I’m still tweaking the story. Christmas of 2011 I did something highly uncharacteristic for me and that I joined a dating site without someone twisting my arm to get me to do so. Much to my continued amazement somebody responded. I looked them up on Facebook only to discover the man who had been silently in my head for over 10 years staring back at me. If I had been sitting in a regular chair at the time this are probably would have knocked it over. In that exact moment I knew who I had been running toward for half my life.
Photo Credit : Possibly the coolest example of a Jacob’s Ladder I’ve seen was found at http://nova.innovation.rit.edu/csi2/main/node/Arc via Google Image search
So the closing of the year is upon us. Christmas has come and gone once again. This year has had its share of tears for many people, myself included. Occasionally you run into divider moments, events which lead to a person thereafter marking time as life “before” a particular event and “after” it. For me it has been one of those years. Life will never be quite the same again. Fortunately this year has brought with it happy changes to balance the sad ones.I’m still not quite certain why my life decided to take a 360 turn from where it was to wear it is but I’m glad it did. Our relationship model doesn’t make sense to most people and it doesn’t have to. Within the last year I have grown so much as a person that I almost don’t recognize my previous self. It may sound cliched but it’s true. I have a wonderful man and woman in my life and would not trade the for the world. Looking forward to a new year I hope everybody laughs more than they cry and makes an effort to take the time to pay it forward when good fortune comes their way.
The woman I’m with is the jewel of my life, We have been through hell and back and then all over again. I have been a really ssucky girlfriend and a rough excuse for a friend at times. I deserve her in my life about as much as much I deserve to win the lottery which is to say not much in my opinion. She is a beautiful, amazing, who I will strive to show how much I care.
I realized something kind of funny just now…the one year anniversary of relationship with Oz is the day after the world is supposed to cease to exist. For anybody who didn’t follow that let me clarify, the end of the world is supposed to be December 21 2012. Our anniversary falls on December 22 20 12. Personally I find it very funny because the end of the world has come and gone at least twice in my lifetime, three times if you include the Y2K scare. If we are lucky to be in the same state on our anniversary (very unlikely) at some point its going to occur to one or both of us, “hey we survived the apocalypse….” I feel sorry for anybody who decides to come visit within the next hour, they will probably find something thrown at them,(by me, he’s nicer than I am). Knock at your own risk.
This past year has been amazing…..amazingly chaotic. There has been stress, death, and tears of frustration cried over everything several times.Somehow this year has also been the happiest of my life to date. Roughly about this time last year I did something totally out of character: I voluntarily joined an online dating site. It ws because that site that I met one of my soul mates. Happy birthday my Love, even though we must be apart for now I love you more with each day that passes and always will. You have made my life better in ways I will never be able to adequately describe though I promise to spend the rest of our lives together trying my best to tell you.
Do you believe in soul mates?
The short answer is yes. I also believe there are different kinds of soul mate. Many people have experienced an especially strong and unique bond with an animal. There is a soul mate. The friend who always seems to be there when needed, who shows up for no other reason then to see you smile. That too is a soul mate. Is there just one romantic soul mate for every person? I believe that answer is very personal There are many people who remarry or commit to another partner when the first dies. It doesn’t mean they love either person more or less than the other, only that they love each differently. The same be said of people in open relationships. That’s my thoughts on the subject.
Prompt provided by Plinky
The past weeks and months have driven home a single point, life is short. The ones we love could be gone in a blink and we don’t get much of a say in when or how they leave.Say what you need to say as soon as you because you might wake up to realize the tine you thought you had is gone. So I felt the need to list some of the little things that my boyfriend does that make me happy This is by no means the entire list.
- Herefers to me as “his girl” on a regular basis.
- He holds my hand in public.
- He lets me play with his hair.
- It doesn’t bother him that I sometimes really suck at feeding myself.
- He bought my dog REALLY GOOD dog food.(yes that is a big deal to me.)
- He likes to cuddle as much as I do.
Valentine’s Day is upon us. My life isn’t exactly where I’d like to be yet but it’s getting closer to it every day that passes. If the days sometime seem to crawl by slower than a zombie’s shuffle I can deal with that. Any progress, no matter how slow is better than the stalemate my life has felt like lately.
Since I still have to put up with really inconvenient state lines because life keeps throwing monkey wrenches into our plans (insert swearing in multiple languages) I am left with horribly inadequate words instead of the things I’d rather do on the holiday. At the risk of sounding trite this is the best I’ve felt in a long time. Some things are worth waiting for and this is one of them.
I never have been considered average so I suppose it makes sense that my relationships aren’t cookie cutter either. In spite of monkey wrenches I’m happier than I’ve been in quite some time and it can only get better. I love you John.
Use the phrase arranged marriages and say it in a positive manner and most modern people will gasp in shock and even if they’re polite enough not to say out loud most of them will probably be horrified that you would even suggest such an antiquated practice has merit. I’m not saying that in some ways the idea isn’t horribly old-fashioned and outdated, in most cases it is. I am merely saying that due to my unique circumstances I can easily understand why marriage used to be more about economics than emotion.Perhaps explaining my particular situation might help in understanding my viewpoint.I am 25 years old and disabled. In theory I can hold down a job of some sort, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my ability to think and communicate with other people. In practice however, I have discovered that finding a job that I can accomplish in spite of my physical limitations and, more importantly finding a person who is willing to take the risk of giving me a job, is much harder than I was initially led to believe. I’m currently working on a manuscript which although I have already put hours of work into it, is still nowhere near ready to see an editors desk. Thereby if I wish start a relationship which will (hopefully) be long term one of the main considerations that goes through my head is can “insert perspective boyfriend’s name here” support two people with the income generated from his current job.I immediately f feel ashamed for giving voice to the thought,even though it is only in my head. We are taught as children especially girls that nothing but love matters. I have begun to see that that is a fallacy. Love can conquer a lot of things, this is true. I know from personal experience however there are many things that love, by itself cannot overcome no matter how much people may wish otherwise.Love by itself cannot and does not guarantee security or a safe place to live. Love by itself can’t make sure that someone is able to eat their next meal. You can love someone with all your heart and still be prevented from taking care of them. Trust me,I’ve had experience with that one.
During the Regency Era and earlier economics was the prime motivation and consideration for women when getting married. Since women were not allowed to hold jobs it was essential that whomever they married and be able to provide for them, in other words, they and their families had every reason and right to be picky. I find it sad that our modern culture for the most part seems to frown on women who consider financial stability alongside of and sometimes slightly before emotion. Some of us still do not have much of a choice.