I have been thinking a lot lately about change. I feel as though I am not the same person I was a year ago or even six months ago.I can’t decide whether I have gained faith in humanity or lost it this year I suppose my view on that can still be classified as situational. There are days when I feel trapped in a prison not of my making and days when I feel like I actually get more done now than I ever did at school. I somehow find myself feeling more invested in the writing I do now than anything I ever did for a grade. Over the past year I have fought to stay on my feet when it feels like everything in the world is changing before I’m ready for it to. I swing back and forth between feeling uncertain of where I’m supposed to go and cast adrift in the world to feeling like I know exactly what I’m doing and having a pretty good hope that it will turn out all right in the end.
I can only assume that my more unstable moments are due to my more than occasional bouts with paranoia and depression. On the other hand when paranoia doesn’t dog my every step there are parts of my life that are really good. Over this past summerI have met a few people without whom I’m not sure I would have weathered the storm that blew through my life nearly as well as I have.Between them all they have helped to keep my sanity reasonably intact. The coming year is going to take some getting used to and believe me, it always does when a friend moves away. But I’m making a goal for myself to give myself something to do rather than be sad. By next New Year’s Eve I have every intention of at least having the manuscript for Grove Wars sent out to publishing companies. Someone once said that books were ships that the authors set adrift in the sea of life hoping to make to make some sort of an impact on the world. I have put off sending out my ship far too long. Change is scary and even though I feel as if I’m standing on the crumbling precipice of a cliff I do so with at least six people at my back or holding my hand that believe that when the time comes to make the one final step off that cliff I will unfurl my wings and fly. And you know what? I think they are right.