where do we go from here? A Christmas Day monologue

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I talked to my ex-boyfriend today, the one I started dating almost a year ago.  Yes, the conversation was awkward at points, but at least we can still talk to each other, which is more than I can say for my high school boyfriend and I.  The thing that is the most painful is that we both know we are so not “over” each other.  We broke up because life started to overwhelm him and he decided it wasn’t fair to me to be with him when he felt that his life was going to be so uncertain in the foreseeable future.  He says thought I should find someone else, someone better able to take care of me and love me.  That would be easier if I honestly believed that he wasn’t in love with me still.  I don’t believe that, not for one minute  I am left  with a hole in my heart, a best friend who would give the world to change it if he could, and an ex-boyfriend who I can’t bring myself to blame for any part of my misery, and so because I can’t, he blames himself.  Where do we go from here?  I have no idea at this point but I know I will not completely abandon him, no one deserves to face their inner dark place alone


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