In a little less than three weeks I will be moving out of state to live with both my boyfriend and my girlfriend who moved in with him from Colorado a few weeks ago. Most of my immediate family are supportive of my decision or at least have the good sense to realize that their dissenting opinion won’t change change my mind and therefore keep their mouths shut. The only person in my family who is being deliberately kept in the dark at this point is my grandmother who is over 70 years old and most definitely would disapprove. She is not being kept in the dark because I fear her disapproval but because she is involved in some of my legal affairs and until I can get those changed I am better off letting her believe what she wants to, which is that I am engaged to my boyfriend and we will eventually marry. In reality though I’m not sure if we will ever be legally recognized as committed to each other largely because the commitments of more than two adults to one another are not legally recognized in the United States yet. To be honest I have rustled with my feelings on the subject quite a bit. I love them both for different reasons because they are different people but with the same level of intended commitment and it isn’t fair that because of how long is commonly written I would have to choose one over the other . That being said I find myself arguing with myself lately. Largely because of my disability very few aspects if my life have been within spitting distance of normal and a ceremony is one of the few “normal” things I’ve ever wanted id only to be able to thumb my nose at the people who said or thought my disability precluded me from committed romance.
I feel as though I have been running cross country for most of my life, at least mentally. Earlier in life it felt as though I were always running away from something, trying to put distance between myself and my disability, other people’s expectations of me or sometimes lack of expectation and a laundry list of other things. If someone drew a picture of my mental self at that point I would probably have all kinds of small cuts on my face and arms the needs of my jeans would be worn through and money shoes would probably look as if they might fall apart at any second. That’s definitely how I perceived myself anyway. At some point it changed though, instead of running away, trying to outdistance something I began to get the feeling that I was running toward something though if you asked who or what I was chasing I couldn’t give you much of an answer. At the age of 12 or 13 a man I couldn’t place as anyone I knew or had heard of at the time began showing up in my mind both while I was asleep and awake. Since I had begun writing at that time (mostly historical romances that I wouldn’t pay Harlequin to publish if they asked now) I assumed for years that he was a character I simply had not found a story for which still isn’t uncommon for me today. When I was a sophomore in high school I had to write a short story for class and since he was still in my head on a regular basis it seems natural that the lead male character would look like him. Fast forward to present day I am still working on that short story although it isn’t so short anymore. After I completed the assignment my English teacher strongly suggested that I expand it to a full length book. My graduating class has its 10 year reunion this year and I’m still tweaking the story. Christmas of 2011 I did something highly uncharacteristic for me and that I joined a dating site without someone twisting my arm to get me to do so. Much to my continued amazement somebody responded. I looked them up on Facebook only to discover the man who had been silently in my head for over 10 years staring back at me. If I had been sitting in a regular chair at the time this are probably would have knocked it over. In that exact moment I knew who I had been running toward for half my life.
Photo Credit : Possibly the coolest example of a Jacob’s Ladder I’ve seen was found at http://nova.innovation.rit.edu/csi2/main/node/Arc via Google Image search