Day 405: Disability As a Crucible

cru·ci·ble a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.

I would not call my life easy by any stretch of the imagination.  I  wouldn’t wish my life on most people, most people would crumble under the weight of things that are my every day. I’m not a superhero my depression makes itself known way too often for me to think I’m one of those. It feels like a gut punch to the soul. I always get back up though, stiff, bruised, and emotionally bleeding as I  may be. In case you’re curious the self I see in my head doesn’t need the chair. This last year was crazy and I had to let go of a relationship I was hoping would last much longer(NOT Oz poly remember?) but before that happened I noticed that I no longer saw the wheelchair when  I pictured myself and even though we aren’t together anymore that hasn’t changed.

Somewhere in my late teens or early twenties, I had an epiphany.  Disability is a crucible. It makes you or breaks you. It isn’t fair, things that are minor challenges to others spike an eleven when you are disabled. I have to plan EVERY trip, even the ones that don’t require a car, sure my library is within walking distance but if the weather is bad I’m still stuck in the house. I really think the last bit of spontaneity in my life died with my friend Nathan. He was the only person in my life who regularly dropped everything in his life to spend time with me. We planned stuff too but he would call me at least every other month with.” we’re going out,  see you in ten minutes ”  Click. Dial tone. I miss him.

I endured bullying as a child, not from other kids but from an adult. I have more mental and physical scars at the age of thirty-two than a lot of people acquire in their whole lives. It’s not so much walking in between the rain or the fire, it’s more like walking through it in spite of the pain and adversity. These things have left fingerprints in my life. For better or worse these things have shaped me.  Pain is necessary for growth.  I  heard something today,”you can’t be awesome and grow at the same time.”

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5 thoughts on “Day 405: Disability As a Crucible

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  1. I agree that pain is a necessity for growth. It has helped me understand other people’s pain better. I hope that things get better for you. I am very sorry for your loss.

  2. Yes, unfortunately it’s true that we grow through difficulties, whether outwardly physical or hidden from the passerby. I guess it’s because when things are fine, we’re satisfied and don’t struggle – which of course is what brings growth. #Thankful Thursday

  3. I started reading Tomorrowland recently and there was sentence there in the book about disability. Your post took me back to the same sentence. More than the physical part, disability hits the mental state and one needs loved one to understand and support. I am glad that you are blogging and sharing your thoughts. Readers that you have are your friends so feel free to reach out to us. We are all a part of the same community. Hugs!

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