Day 421: Trying to Catch Sand, Thoughts on the Ticking of A Biological Clock

shallow focus of clear hourglass
Photo by Jordan Benton on

I think I was eleven or twelve when I first heard the phrase “biological clock.” At the time I laughed at the absurd notion that some women felt a physical pull to have children, that their body might feel like it was urging them to get on with it before it’s too late. I’m not laughing anymore. I know that not all women experience this and I envy those that don’t just a little bit right now. It was barely audible when I  was twenty-five but the ticking gets louder each year. Now, at thirty-three, I half expect others to comment on the volume, thankfully I seem to be the only one who notices.

I’ve heard that there is never a right time to have children and that may be true but sometimes are better than others. I know that living in a house that feels crowded and cramped with five adults living here does not need the added stress of me going nine months without my antidepressants and then everything that comes along with baby’s first year of life. It’s not a great time my head reminds me. My parenting will be put under a microscope even more than most moms because of my disability. So in an effort to make sure they have the best start I can manage short of being an able mother who doesn’t deal with depression, I wait.

I wait, even though I worry every day that I’ve waited too long. Even though my disability isn’t genetic the very fact that I  have a disability makes any pregnancy high risk. Yesterday it occurred to me that miscarriages have happened on both sides on my family to women who are otherwise able and healthy. If it happened to them it could definitely happen to me.

2 thoughts on “Day 421: Trying to Catch Sand, Thoughts on the Ticking of A Biological Clock

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  1. I’d say, go with whatever your instincts tell you. Either way, whether heathy or otherwise, any pregnancy is a risk and one never knows the outcome no matter how prepared one is! And yet, there must come a time when you need to take a risk because the ticking will only get louder and louder still! Whatever your decision, I hope you accept it wholeheartedly. All the best. I know this one is a tough one.

  2. Thanks for sharing. The clock of childbirth for women is often synonymous with career and marriage timing. Only you can know when the time is right. Only you can decide when you’re ready to take such a risk. Perhaps, the bravest thing of all is the fact that you’re willing to question yourself even at the expense of understanding that there are no simple conclusions. I admire your willingness to dialogue. Please visit my blog when you have the time. I appreciate being able to read your story. And as a disabled man nurtured by complex women, I understand how uneven the emotional journey can be when making this kind of sacrifice. It’s a really heart-wrenching thing to acknowledge your own limits and still want to be apart of something that is a natural part of womanhood—maternity. Even women who are incapable of caring children to term understand the power of motherhood. Had it not been for the strong females in my life, I couldn’t have been who I am today.

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